Becoming A Woman With Purpose: Part 1

I’m still amazed at what God has placed on my heart in regards to starting a blog that reveals how important learning is a part of growing and maturing. As a mother, I recognize the importance of confidence, endurance, and laughter when caring for a child. I would not have been able to love and care for my daughter without the Word of God and the HolyGhost in my life. When envisioning this blog I dreamed of providing wisdom received through my experiences and encouraging words that will get every mother and parent through the day, specifically the tough ones. These five verses positioned me into the mindset of purposeful living that has changed my approach to situations in my life. The next five blog posts are dedicated to every single verse and I pray it changes your perspective in your situation.

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Two years ago I was blessed with the gift and responsibility of caring and guiding my daughter. Though I didn’t understand what it meant to be a mother, I was ready and eager to learn. I quickly tapped into my maternal instincts and began a journey that I cherish every single day. After the initial months of me fumbling and walking in my insecurities, I started to realize that I didn’t just birth a child, but the birthing of a confident, hardworking mother in me. One of my quickest habits that I formed was I was all talk and no action. I would acclaim to how many dreams and goals I would impart in my life for the benefit of my family but I was slow in action to fulfill them. When I stumbled across this verse I instantly felt a slap to the face from God.

When my daughter was born into this world, all of these dreams, visions, and goals came with her. Not just the ones that are linked to her destiny that she has yet to fulfill, but mine as well. I thought that becoming a parent would strip me away from my desires and dreams in order to focus on my child. I was wrong. Instead, God allowed new dreams, new desires to form inside me and this verse told me to stop dreaming and start doing. I love the message version because it’s plain and simple: when you don’t work, you don’t get paid, and you don’t bring home the bread. Or in “mother” terms, if you don’t work, you don’t get paid and you won’t afford those diapers and wipes. This verse applies beyond the typical work scenario. If you don’t work on your marriage, you won’t get the benefits of a healthy marriage. If you don’t clean and manage your household efficiently, then you are inviting chaos in your world. Accepting this verse was a big pill to swallow but living by it has brought success that I would’ve never achieved if I didn’t see becoming a mother as a blessing instead of a burden.

It also revealed that I can’t be frustrated at my circumstances when I’m not willing to roll my sleeves up and work through it. Blame it on my femininity but when I get overwhelmed and overworked I instantly get dramatic. My emotions, facial expressions, and hand gestures go from level one to level ten! I began to cry the sad song and doubt that change will ever come. I cry out, having a pity party and run a hole in the floor pacing back and forth worrying. This wise verse puts my emotional tantrums in check. I realized that when I do the work that my success is sure to come. It would be crazy for someone to work and work tirelessly at a job and never receive a paycheck.  But God promises us that when we put the hard work in, the tears, sweat, and pain will pay off. So if whatever stage of life you are in, if you are a struggling mother like sometimes I still find myself at or you manage to overcome it all just know that your hard work will bring you the bread of life!

When You’re Making it Up as You Go Along

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In the early stages of my motherhood journey, I was overcome with anxiety, paranoia, and insecurities. I’m not going to lie — it was an emotional time in my life and I struggled with handling it without feeling inadequate. Becoming a mom, no matter what age or stage in life is an intimidating thing. I don’t know who raises the bar to perfection, but there it is always staring you in the face, reminding you how you never quite make it.

When you give into that lie it distorts your capabilities of being a good mother. Whatever level you personally deem good parenting or mothering you should aim for it every day. Don’t compete with other parents but compete with yourself. What I mean is if you were patient with your child yesterday, just aim to be a little more patient with them the next day. Competition with others to make yourself feel on top isn’t really winning and your child loses in the end. Don’t feel the need to meet a status quo invented by others based on their personal experience with their children. That’s not what being a loving parent is all about.

Yes, you should always be inspired by the stories of the woman before us who have done the impossible for their sons and daughters. Embrace the testimonies of the woman who have cried, sobbed and fought for theirs just like you are now. You should invite strength, wisdom, and experience in your soul but don’t disregard your own strength, wisdom, and experience. It’s what you’ve gone through and overcome that’s made you the parent you are today. The most important lesson for me about motherhood is to never second-guess myself when it comes to how I treat my family. Walking in confidence isn’t easy but it helps to understand that even though you have those days when you are just making it up as you go along, each and every day will come together in the end and works out so long as you have faith that your parenting, all your hard work, and efforts will pay off.

 

How To Maintain Your Faith Every Day

Every day is filled with moments that can make or break our faith in God. We all have moments that can inspire us to better ourselves, moments of spiritual inspiration, and even those painful moments we desperately try to pray and fast away. It’s always easy to strengthen our faith in our walk with Christ when things are great. Who can doubt God when all their bills are paid and their loved ones are safe from sickness and harm?

It makes sense to smile back to God when he is smiling down on us with new employment opportunities and healthy relationships. But what about when God decides to take away the smiles and hugs and rain down life storms of troubles? How do you maintain your faith then?

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It’s been said over and over that life is too precious to waste and to live every moment of it with purpose and success. But the question is how should we live it? How do we get to a place where nothing can keep us down? Every day we should take a moment to focus on building a strong, resilient confidence in God. Without God, none of us could be here today. Having total trust in Him makes the ride worth enduring. Here are three ways to keep your faith strong every day.

  1. Stop entertaining your doubts.

Before you can do all things through Christ that strengthens you like the Bible says you have to stop entertaining your doubts. Yes, there will be some days when it seems like every dream of yours is coming true. And then the other days are filled with gray clouds that block out the light of hope and peace. Focusing on how bad a situation is won’t strengthen your faith but diminish it. Your perspective will determine how strong your faith is. If all you see are failures then that’s exactly what you will get. But if you take a moment and see all the wonderful things in your life like loved ones, a job, a roof over your head then you are growing and increasing your faith. With a right mindset, you can achieve it all. If all you do is complain then you will never reach your solution. Having faith is like a seed that can birth blessings, while doubt is a seed that can birth pain. It’s time to destroy your doubts by walking by faith and not by sight.

2. Live with a grateful attitude.

Too many times we find ourselves singing the “woe is me” song instead of living our lives seeing the world with gratefulness and thanks. When God thought about the world, he envisioined each and every one of us in it. He created us for a time and purpose with flaws, setbacks and rainy days. He saw every aspect of our lives, the good and bad as a blessing, not a curse. Yet you consider all the bad circumstances and disappointments as a bad thing. God orchestrates everything and he knows and sees the beauty in everything. Why can’t you? To strengthen your faith every day you have to start looking at your life through the eyes of God’s. Don’t give in to the temptation to complain about a negative situation or problem but actively find the good in it. Be intentional about being grateful and it will brighten your day and someone else’s. When you choose to be grateful no matter what it creates hope. When others see that hope it gives them the boost of encouragement they need to keep on going.

3. Don’t fight it but embrace it.

Did you know that your struggles in life aren’t just to benefit you but to make others strong too? Every bad day, setback and problem birth strength inside of us to keep fighting the good fight. It challenges us to grow and improve and learn. If we don’t embrace our bad days like we do the good ones we won’t win and neither will the next person. Embracing problems doesn’t mean you’ve given up but the complete opposite that you won’t quit. When you choose to embrace it you arrive at a place where no one can duplicate. You have wisdom, strength and enough sensitivity to care for the problems of others and help them get through. Embrace your bad days and strengthen your faith by standing tall in the Word of God. Every day you should fill your soul up with songs and scriptures that keep you motivated and focused.

Keeping your faith maintained every day is a lot of work. You have to keep praying, fasting and crying out to God. You have to keep going to church no matter how discouraged you might be or feel. Stay encouraged and know that you are not alone. You are not the only one going through so take comfort. It’s as easy as turning on your TV for a good laugh. Open up your Bible and let God speak to you. Put on a gospel song and sing your troubles away. Or,  you can even put on an inspirational movie or two. A great place to find amazing God-centered movies is Pure Flix. It’s a great resource to maintain your day-to-day faith too. They have a wide variety of Christian movies for faith-based families and are even currently offering a free one-month trial.

Don’t be passive about strengthening your faith because it’s your faith that will get you through.

Life Lesson: You Are Diamonds

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My message for mothers and woman today is don’t cheapen yourself on the account of others. I can’t tell you how important it is as a wife and mother to know your self-worth. Having a high standard of self-worth produces high self-esteem, confidence, and self-respect that is too precious to trade in or exchange. A confident woman doesn’t allow abusive relationships to define their self-worth. A self-respecting wife won’t force herself to die in her marriage but find ways to thrive with or without her spouse. A confident mom lives, breathes and nurtures her children with power and strength because she fears nothing.

Living like a diamond forces life to back off and let you shine. Life of an assured woman means not stopping at the no’s and you can’t’s that’s always being thrown in your face. Having confidence in how God created you births tenacity and a persevering spirit that can overcome anything. Having confident isn’t about being puffed up or arrogant but being content with the gifts, strengths, and flaws that God has given each of us to work with. I’m certainly not here to promote bragging or pride but to share with you the freedom in being a strong diamond of a gal.

So I hope after my elaborate introduction you’re asking yourself, “Well, how do I live a diamond?”

  1. By accepting that God loves you.

If you don’t believe God is real, that Jesus Christ died for our sins and rose again then there isn’t much I can do for you. True confidence doesn’t appear within ourselves but it comes from the almighty Creator. The big G-O-D himself made us his top priority and wanted us to have nothing short of the best. Believing is just the beginning. You have to live, breathe, sleep and eat with the truth that God values us all. Why would you not accept all that love? Realize that God loves you permanently!

2. Living with love in your heart for others.

You want that confidence in your walk, that glow of the holy spirit upon your life you have to live your life through the lenses of love. Everything you go through — He loves me — so it has to work out. Even when friends, family, and strangers try to deter you from believing — act in love. Having a rich, quality lifestyle doesn’t just come from working hard on behalf of yourself but going the extra mile for someone else. Luke 6:31 and 35 say to do to others what you want to be given to you. If you want love in life then love others freely without looking for anything in return.

3. Saying goodbye to insecurities by reading the Word of God.

This is the best way to feed your faith and starve your doubts. If you’ve been dealing with insecurities, baggage from the past and past pain then open a Bible! There are scriptures after scriptures that will boost your soul into the confident, God-fearing woman you are destined to be. Philippians 1:6 will tell you that he started something great inside you and he won’t stop until it’s completed. And if you are reading this with doubt in your heart, just know that you aren’t confident that Proverbs 3:26 says that God will be your confidence and he will keep you.

And the amazing part of this…there is so much more. Unlock all that God is waiting to give in your life. Live with assurance that God desires you, he wants the best for and he hates to see his diamond get scuffed up or damaged. Celebrate your one-of-a-kind design and witness God accomplish great things in your life. Don’t shy away from all that God is calling for you to have.

 

Month of Motherhood: You Are A Masterpiece

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Yay! It’s finally here….almost here I should say: Mother’s Day! The coveted day where all things mom and motherhood gets it’s deserved recognition. Even though moms should automatically get the breakfast in bed and the bouquet of flowers every day we understand that trying to wine and dine us for our mothering feats will take forever.

I’m so happy to be one of the millions of woman known for being fearless, loving and strong. Whether you are a stay-at-home mom always packing lunches for the kids or the hard-working mother that slays in the boardroom — I want this month to be filled with posts encouraging you, strengthing you, and reminding you how amazing it is to be a mom!  And not to exclude all the amazing woman — those aunties, sisters, cousins, babysitters, singles.. you have kids or none at all this is your month to shine too! So for all my mothers, it’s the month of Motherhood and for all non-moms, it’s the Month of Womanhood!

I’m devoting a blog post every week to reminding mothers and woman in general that no matter what, no matter who….you are an original masterpiece! That’s right, Ephesians 2:10 says,

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Whether you agree or not, all of our stories began with the Word of God, with God thinking about us and creating us. He didn’t just create us, he envisioned us a life for us filled with opportunities, victories, hardship, and His love. God didn’t hastily throw us and all our uniqueness at the last minute. He didn’t rush and guess at our potential, strength, weaknesses, and capabilities. He took the time, energy and commitment to creating a work of art that’s more valuable than any amount of bad days, horrible relationships or dead-end end jobs that try to take away the treasure he placed within us.

I am valuable because he made my life worth it when He died on the cross. He refused to give up one me and you when he rose from the grave three days later. He went above and beyond because we are His masterpiece. Live like a masterpiece, carry with you that passion and drive he gave you. Don’t ever let life diminish your resolve to rise up. God knows who we really are and who we can truly become. Embrace it!

 

Moment of Truth: Learn From The Past, Grow Toward The Future

year-in-reviewAs I finally turn the page on 2016, I’m amazed at how light and free I feel. Every New Year brings an opportunity to embrace change and total transformation. Whether you choose to welcome it or not is entirely up to you. It can be scary moving forward into uncertainty and leaving familiar behind. But all the life lessons I learned in 2016, I now understand that what God has for me can’t be denied to me. I know with confidence that nothing can force something into my life without God’s permission. It took the whole 2016 year to accept this because for a long time I always doubted if I could make it to today.

For almost three years I was in a very confused and painful place. I was dealing with a painful disappointment, a long separation, and a constant feeling that I would never heal, never be set free. I was terrified of what was to come of the future because everything behind me was so painful and disappointing. It was like a never ending storm cloud constantly following me. I had to learn the hard way that worrying, stressing, and panicking wasn’t going to get me what I desired. The more I focused on my problems, the greater my problems seemed.

invite-god-inThe second I invited God in and kept him was when my heart healed, my way of thinking improved and my situation changed. The more Word I received the more healing I got too. I’m at the place where I understand why I went through all that I went through this year. Granted, it didn’t make going through it any better, just it brought a complete acceptance in my spirit that I was fighting for so long. This 2017 I am living to embrace everything no matter what it is. I can hold hands with destiny without worry. I can say I’m loved by God and not doubt it.

I’m done clinging on to the pain because despite how bad things got, growth, perseverance, and faith came from those bad experiences. With every rise and downfall of 2016, it planted a seed of strength, wisdom, and victory that I am just now seeing in me. 2016 was a year full of fighting, crying, and praying for my blessing. In the struggle of it all, I discovered who I am in Christ and who God is to me. Our relationship has definitely grown in 2016.

God allowed ways to be made in my life that I’m still in awe of. Incredible things happened that I could’ve never accomplished on my own. Life began to not just feel different, but I was different. My biggest life lesson of 2016 is to never stop falling in love with Jesus Christ. To stay in love with him no matter what. Fall in love with Him everyday despite how life is. He is a committed, devoted, ride-or-die kind of God that makes the journey sweeter. Sometimes it’s going to be unpredictable or confusing. But with Christ, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

unfailing-loveBy accepting and trusting in Him, he covered me with His love, his assurance, and grace. From there, troubles came and it didn’t knock me down to the ground. My relationship with God and how I viewed my problems changed for the better. I learned to look past the problem, circumstances, and draw near to God. Every time I stayed in his presence I was transformed. Don’t miss your opportunity to be transformed by the lessons you’ve learned in 2016. Take in the process because it’s the very thing that will change your life forever.

In 2016 I learned to stop carrying the past in order to move forward. I’ve learned that death is a gift. Death is unavoidable. Death forces us to stop and change. It reminds us that all things must come to end so new things can begin. Whether I liked it or not, I had a lot of moments where I had to die. Whether it was putting my selfish habits to rest, ceasing my negative behavior, or changing how I respond to situations. I’ve learned that people and things are just that and nothing more. I can’t live my life counting solely on who I have in my life and what I have. No, I have to have confidence in God alone.

In 2017 I’m giving all that I have to God. I will no longer allow what has happened to determine my tomorrows. I believe life is all about giving it all you got. What better way than to give your all to God. I learned that when I give God all of me that’s when I can expect the most unexpected blessings to occur in my life. The more I focused on myself, the further I  was away from God’s plan for me. In this moment, looking back I see and feel so much growth. I fought to become who I am. I fought to have days where I can smile. And what makes me smile the hardest is that God fought right beside me. I realize that every step of the way He was right beside me. Whether I held his hand or ran away, he was there keeping me.

This lets me know that in 2017 that He will still be right there alongside me. Who I was at the start of 2016 is not who I intend to be in 2017. When I look in the mirror I see a stronger, sassier, improved version of myself. It’s an indescribable feeling that no amount of bad could hold me back. It’s a new year, a new day, and a new me!

Life Lesson: Have Faith

 

FAITH IN GOD.pngSome might say that Christianity is just another religion. Some might ridicule and talk negatively about how Christians are hypocrites, lunatics, and judgmental Jesus loving freaks. My purpose isn’t to argue what others say, but to share what God says and what the Word of God says.

I’ve been blessed to have been born and raised in a God loving, church going home. Not a lot of people (young or old) can say that. Some are from broken homes with only one parent, no parents, no family or friends to rely on. Yet, amongst all the possibilities, I was given the opportunity to be raised in a family of eight taught on believing in Jesus Christ.

From birth, I was raised to believe that God made the whole universe (Genesis 1:1-31; Colossians 1:16; Isaiah 45:12). I was taught to have faith and believe the Almighty God was to take care of his people. I believe that God is good no matter what happens. I believe Jesus Christ was born from a virgin, here to save mankind. He died on the cross, conquered death, hell, and the grave and three days later he arose. Some might say that’s crazy but to each their own. I was taught that my faith should always be bigger than my fears and doubts.

 

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Though it took some growing up, I got serious about my faith when I turned 11 years old. I got baptized and years later I got the holy ghost. I remember when I thought I had the holy ghost I was scared. I didn’t want to fake having the holy ghost and deceive myself. I was petrified because I didn’t want to mock God in any way.  For months I constantly checked, gave myself tests and wondered if I truly had the holy ghost. After months and months of keeping it quiet, I realized that I had it after all. How? When I was no longer terrified about the rapture but instead I looked forward to it because I felt steady and strong.

Before I was scared out of my mind about missing the rapture. I would have dreams about me getting left behind and my family would go to heaven without me. Whenever someone brought up something about the rapture or Revelation I felt overcome with conviction and fear. God was patient, loving and guided me to assurance through his Word and hearing the Word of God at church. I was calm and a growing assurance within made me strong in my faith that I was a child of God.

 

From that point on, I grew up learning and growing in Christ. I was passionate about the Word of God. I’d stay up hours and hours reading and studying the Bible. I wanted to know everything from cover to cover. But as I grew, I allowed things and life to get in the way of my love for God. It’s no joke how easy you can drift to worrying about school, bills, friends (so-called friends), parties, events, boyfriends, husbands, and kids, and then you don’t even realize how far away you’ve moved from God.

It wasn’t until I leisurely went to the library and rented the novel, “Left Behind” by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins. It’s funny because I know the story, I’ve seen the movies and I was pushed to take this book out anyway. Page by page without me even knowing God was getting my attention on matters I too gleefully ignored. I was led from the book to watch the movie Left Behind (the version with Nicholas Cage) on Netflix. That same familiar feeling came swooping in before the movie ended.

 

CONVICTION.jpgI instantly knew that I’ve drifted away from God.  I’ve backslidden and departed from my first love. It’s crazy how far a person can drift before they realize how deep they are in the water. I couldn’t watch the movie without the feeling of uncertainty and fear creep over me. Can I confidently say that if the rapture took place that I would make it? The fact that I had to question it, obviously meant no. When the movie was over, I had to admit to myself that I got distracted. My priority for God was no longer my top priority.

The movie was over and God finally got through to me. Or rather, I was open to listening finally.  I prayed and asked for forgiveness. God must’ve have tried to get my attention countless times and I was caught up in life. I’ve abused his love, kindness, and favor in my life for things that are nothing compared to how awesome he is. I realized I had to turn away from my lazy, selfish habits and refocus myself to chasing after Him. I asked God to guide me, lead me, and speak to me at how I can begin walking closer to Him. Then it hit me!

For weeks, I’ve been trying to start a “My Faith” and “My Marriage” segment to my blog. I didn’t know how to start or when to start and what to write about. After realizing, admitting, and repenting to God for ignoring him and following my own heart I saw an opportunity. I’ve been wanting to share my faith with others but quickly got swept away from life and responsibilities.  I pushed aside God all because I didn’t come up with something on my own. I should know better that what God has planned in his own timely is always better than my own.

Though I’m not happy that I drifted away, I’m grateful my eyes have been opened and reminded about what’s truly important. It’s better to grow in grace instead of out of it. But, good or bad God knows just what to do to direct us on the right path. I don’t want to ever forget, never neglect the one thing that has kept me steady. God has loved me unconditionally and he has always been there for me. There are times when I was alone, was betrayed, was pushed aside and he always comforted. It was foolish of me to push aside my first love because he truly first loved me.

 

Today is My Third Anniversary

 

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For my love,

Happy third year anniversary to my best friend. Three years is nothing compared to the rest of our lives.  Since I was 15, I’ve done so much growing and learning, and you’ve only made my life so much more meaningful. We went from two separate individuals to being and living as one. Though our wedding day was far from perfect, leaving, cleaving and becoming has been nothing short of amazing. Despite all the things we didn’t have, I cherish every day that we have with each other.IMG_1356

I remember all the times you brought a smile to my face, made me laugh and even cry. I smile when I think about all the times we comforted each other, encouraged each other, and loved. I look forward to days to come when you let your love shine on me. You’ve been a gentleman, so caring, loving, and upstanding. I am proud that you call me your wife. This journey hasn’t been easy, but it’s been worthwhile. The past 1,080 days have been filled with good, bad, ugly, joy, pain, grief, disappointment and happiness. You’ve given me headaches and peace, joy and sorrow. And three years is just the beginning of the rest of our lives.

You’ve given me the best of both and I don’t take our life for granted. I believe God connected us long before we got married. We never could stay apart from each other long, try as we might. The amazing part of our love and relationship  is that it never felt forced or rushed but right on time. That’s how I knew you were sent from God because I felt content, with you. You’ve always been by my side and you managed to give me goosebumps every single time. I’m just grateful we both were obedient to what God planned for us.

Three years later and all I want to do with you is to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen.”(2 Peter 3:18) I definitely don’t want to waste another second apart and I can’t wait for you to return back to me. Reflecting back on the yesterday’s brings hope for more to come. I love you and I miss you.

Moment of Truth: A Letter To Myself 2016

 

Dear Victoria,

It’s the New Year so quit playing around. There are some things we need to address before you become successful. I love you too much to make the same mistakes from last year. I especially will not tolerate another second of you second-guessing us. Don’t worry, I’ve brought a hefty insurance policy on you in case you bail on me.

One thing you need to keep in this year is your love and passion for God. Don’t EVER let your responsibilities and privileges push Jesus Christ aside. No more, “In a minute God” or “I’ll do it later, Lord.” God loves us too much for you to keep pushing him away. Without him, you have nothing! Remember that!

Swallow your pride and love your husband. Yes, I know he can be a bit “team too much” but you decided to marry him anyway, so deal with it. Laugh at his corny jokes, never stop forgiving him when he messes up and ALWAYS pray for him. I mean when he is good and bad! Pray when you have nothing else better to do. The man needs it! You both do! Keep your love for your husband high and your respect for him higher. I better not hear you being mean!

I don’t have to tell you, but love your daughter! She is spectacular. She is everything a mother could ask for. Trust me. Play with her and be an example that you want her to follow. Model Christ in front of her always. Teach her how to be the woman and wife you are still striving to be. Make sure she is a lady. Try not to spank her too much!

Lastly, smile. Don’t worry about what tomorrow will bring. Actually, enjoy the moment for a change. I’m serious, enjoy your 20s because you rarely do. Be strong, confident, and sweet. Make sure you always have enough pens in your purse. And never give up! I’ll be checking in on you so you better stay sober (1 Peter 5:8). Make sure you never, ever stop writing. There isn’t enough room in your head for another story, plot twist, or play.

Love Always,

The Tougher Side of Me

Moment of Truth: Facing My Feelings

He’s gone. God give me strength. #Wife #Husband #NationalGuard

I wasn’t planning on sharing this on my blog. I’m trying not to lie, but I’m having a hard time being open about this. This has brought a lot of mixed emotions. On the outside, I am cool, confident and secure. On the inside, I’m nervous, worried, and anxious.

January 4, 2016, my husband left me.  He left to complete his basic training at Fort Jackson in South Carolina. I’m so proud of my best friend because he has been trying for so long to join. The past two years have really challenged the both of us, our marriage and our spirituality. I remember when he first told me he was signing up for the military while we were engaged. I was shocked. I always thought he would be a regular joe. A man who clocked in and out every day. I was obviously happy on the outside, and knowing my husband, he knew I wasn’t entirely eager on the inside. A couple of months after we got married, he found out that he was horribly deceived. He signed up just like everyone else, filled out the application, paperwork, and forms. He completed physicals and drills, only to be told lies. One minute he was in the army and the next he wasn’t.

I still don’t know what happened, how he got the boot and why. Although I was disappointed on the outside, I was relieved on the inside. But, my husband was wrecked. He was disappointed that all his hard work was in vain. He was humiliated; after telling so many family and friends of his next big adventure.  Being publicly humiliated, left with empty pockets made him feel so small. I was so frustrated and sad for him because he was a victim, yet some treated him like a villain. It was a battle I couldn’t win for him. It was difficult watching him struggle. He had questions, he was hurt, and he looked alone.

As horrible as the past two years have been, I am so grateful that it made me fall down on my knees and pray. All the bad, inconveniences, and deceit the past year made me depend on his Word like never before. It wasn’t easy watching my best friend be gutted like a fish, so helpless to vulnerability. My husband went through so much back-stabbing, gossipers, betrayals, liars, and two face crooks. I saw sides of him that made my heart ache.

So, when my husband told me again that he was signing up for the military. Can you imagine my face? An eruption of emotions bellowed from me. I was confused that he wanted to risk the everything again for nothing but uncertainties. I was insulted that he would risk our relationship to try another attempt at failure. Not to mention, it would now mean leaving me alone with our daughter. I kind of came off as unsupportive and as you get to know me, I a very supportive, loving friend and wife. Just, after the roller coaster of the disappointment last time, I really didn’t want to get on the ride again. He kept telling me over and over that this time will be different. So, I bit my tongue and held two thumbs up and made sure to hold back my tears until everyone went to sleep.

DSCN1316I’m trying not to lie, my prayers were a little conflicted. I would tell my husband that I’m praying for him to get in, but behind closed doors, I would tell God to belay that prayer and bless him to stay home. I just didn’t want to sign up and watch my husband go through the same horror. Can you blame me? I would ask God over and over, moan and groan, and lament for another story for my husband. One that didn’t require him leaving.

As romantic the idea of being married to a soldier might be, it takes a huge commitment. As honorable as the position is, I don’t take it lightly and appreciate every military family because of it. It’s not an easy task. Once he learned of his departure date, it was sealed. My husband was packing up to be a soldier. It’s been a couple days since he left and I’m cool. Taking it a breath at a time. My worst fear is that he comes back home broken and disappointed again. If you are married, then you know how challenging it can be to hold up a broken man. So, it’s out of my hands and all I have left to do is pray.