I still have so much more to experience in life. I have plenty more mistakes, failures, and moments to live through. I definitely look forward to moments of clarity, growth, strength and success. So far, I’ve learned that allowing fear to keep you from living is a waste of time. Fear is a paralyzing, crippling monster that can keep you locked up for years.
When I was younger, I was always scared that I would never amount to anything and my entire life would go by unnoticed and unaccomplished. I compared myself to others and just settled for ordinary and average because I didn’t feel I could be placed in any other category. After years of feeling low, I eventually got tired and got the strength to fight my way out of it.
There were so many missed opportunities, failed friendships, and happy moments that I will never be able to get back. Instead of regretting the past, I push onward. I don’t want to recover what I already lost but gain new moments and new accomplishments. I no longer want to sing the same old sad song.
Learning that lesson opened my heart and mind to possibilities. Not to mention, the lessons that would follow were easily learned because I wasn’t so shielded. I used to be a vault – never opening up for things to come in or out. I was defensive because I was scared of getting hurt. Putting myself out there was uncomfortable and awkward. I used to convince myself that being a complete shut-in was my “personality” and how I was “made.” I soon learned they were lies! Lies from every insecurity and doubt I fed.
I was great at hiding too. To everyone else I was fine. I was a pretty young lady who rarely had to bite her tongue. I was respected, admired, and well-liked. No one ever knew about all the green monsters under my bed and skeletons in my closet. No one knew that I daily entertained fear, resentment, insecurities, and damaging criticism. If only the Grammys offered awards for hiding.
I refuse to take a chance because I was always looking over my shoulder. I’m older and now my refusals consist of no longer being ashamed of my shortcomings, failures, and often times foolish actions. Now when I say I’m confident it’s because I really am. I learned to be content with who I am and who I’m not. I learned to be satisfied with what I do have and what I don’t.
Now when I look in the mirror I see greatness, power, and success. I rarely compare myself to others because I understand the love that was built into me. I’m no longer an easy prey to weight and insecurities because my perfection is supplied through Jesus Christ. Everything I have learned and overcome has taught me to focus. To never be bothered with things that destroy me but only with things that challenge me to be better.