I love to plan or rather I love being in control. I rarely make a decision without thinking it through – optioning whether a good outcome or bad outcome will end. So, I hate it when things don’t go as planned. It is infuriating to make a list or schedule to only deviate from it entirely. If I don’t plan for it I usually don’t do it. When plans fail I lose control.
When I was younger, I always dreamed of being a fabulous lawyer. Like Claire Huxtable from The Cosby Show –just with no kids! I was ambitious, driven, determined, and headstrong to work hard to accomplish my goals. That was the plan. Somehow I fell in love (couldn’t fight it), got married, and realized I drifted so far away from the “plan” that…well you get the idea. I presumed I could still charge the mountain and earned that law degree! I got pregnant and my priorities changed – the plan was absolutely gone! My plan vanished and so did my sense of control. What’s worse, I felt like my identity disappeared as well. For so long, I had my heart and mind fixated on a goal that everything I did was centered on it. Every move I made was centered to achieving that which God didn’t approve, didn’t confirm and didn’t plan for my life at all.
I was at a crossroad. One path leading to my selfish desires and dreams that lead me farther from God. The other path leading me to my destiny, purpose and God’s absolute certain fate – total victory! I was sad to sacrifice my dream of becoming a lawyer. I felt empty and barren. I didn’t realize that being empty meant that I have room to be filled to the point of overflow. Now, reflecting on my decisions I realized that obviously my plan was a little flawed. Nowhere in my “plan” did I fit Jesus Christ. Obviously, I wanted fortune, great opportunities, success, security but I didn’t plan for God to shine. So, I started to honestly consider God’s feelings and what he wanted me to do regarding my career (and pretty much anything else).
After much debate, (a little worry and doubt) I stopped planning (well I still plan just not as much). I felt I was being led to switch majors and start working toward a business degree. I was extremely apprehensive because this time, I wasn’t relying on my own understanding but on God’s. It challenged me to get closer to him and spend more time with him. I saw new opportunities and doors opening that I never thought of. More importantly, I was working at achieving something that pleased God and made him center stage in my life. If I didn’t surrender my will over, I wouldn’t even have started this blog.
I’m happy that my plan went down the drain because I have a new passion that keeps me closer to God. I got back to writing which was long overdue, I feel inspired, energized, and purposeful. Most importantly, I’m confident I’m on the path to growing towards my destiny. I don’t need to know the “what-ifs” and “whys” God didn’t allow my plan to continue. I’m absolutely certain that God’s plan and purpose are the ultimate good. If I allow God to work in my life, I’m always better off. God is truly working in me. He is helping me to do what pleases him and he gives me the power (and words) to do it (Philippians 2:13).